Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
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when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
I wish I were this cool 😂