*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
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[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.