My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
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Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Poetry is my passion
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.