Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
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If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”