I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
You Might Also Like
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Saint West, the patron of selfies
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.