History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
You Might Also Like
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
I don’t make the rules sorry
where the womens at?
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.