KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
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If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?