[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
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*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”