[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
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Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen