I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
You Might Also Like
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.