“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
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He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
I need this for my side hustle.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?