Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
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The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.