Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
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I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt