“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
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[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.