Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
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You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
finally found a reasonable question
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list