[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
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Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Life cycle of cat
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.