i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
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Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
I wish this was real life…
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.