I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
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Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.