I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
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Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Two types of dogs.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.