My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
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Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly