My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
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Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.