[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
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Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…