The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
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Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
The struggle is real.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are