Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
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No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
They got a point!
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.