Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
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My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
According to math, I’m broke
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
peep davidson