Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
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Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
starting a garage orchestra
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.