My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
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My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
just make the entire table out of coaster
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES