You wish you had this many chins.
You Might Also Like
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
huge valentines day plans this year!!
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
That’s classic.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.