Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
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shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
He died doing what he loved: being alive
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”