Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
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Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.