Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
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Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars