If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
You Might Also Like
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read