I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
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My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Oh boy, $150,000!
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!