Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
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[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.