I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
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I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out