Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
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Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”