me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
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Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
My kitchen overserved me.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap