Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
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[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!