WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
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4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
U talkin 2 me?
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
thank god the sign was there
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Mad Max Arctic Road
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.