“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
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i think we should see other cousins
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
🤣🤣💀
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.