Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
You Might Also Like
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before