boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
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person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.