Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
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Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins