4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
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Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Me too
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Camping tip: No.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.