I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
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The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Cake!!
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.