Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
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Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right