Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
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If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Friday
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks