There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
You Might Also Like
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
$3 #books
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.