[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
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A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.