Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
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When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
I need this for my side hustle.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.